Dissociation Blues

I feel lost and disconnected. I find myself dissociating frequently, on a daily basis. I don’t want to feel this way, I want to feel happy but I know I can’t be happy all the time. I have to let myself feel the full spectrum of emotions, even the painful and negative ones. At the very least, acknowledge them and wait for them to pass. “This too shall pass.” It doesn’t take long for my moods to shift, between my bipolar and my borderline I have frequent episodes. If I were to plot out my ups and downs on paper, it would resemble the heartbeat of a squirrel stuck in traffic. This is what I’m like without medications. That being said, I’m on medications so I know it isn’t that. This is grief. This is depression. This is anxiety.

I live with depression and anxiety, I’m no stranger to them. This grief thing though, it’s really messing with me. Normally I am scatterbrained but now it’s just ridiculous. I spent ten minutes of my suppertime the other evening walking back and forth repeatedly from the dining room to the kitchen, all because I kept forgetting what I got up for and remembering what I needed once I got back to my chair. You wouldn’t believe how much time I waste in a day by being forgetful. I can pace around my house for hours, aimlessly looking in each room and wondering where to start and what to do. This is what I mean by feeling lost. It’s both frustrating and depressing to live like this.

I lose myself in almost anything lately. It’s like I’m mindfully avoiding the emptiness by distracting myself. I spend all hours with my baby during the day, exploring with him and playing. I tend to shirk my housewifely duties altogether, sadly. I don’t want or mean to, it just happens. There are countless days where my husband will come home from work to find me playing with baby, the house is a mess, and dinner hasn’t even been started. Thankfully, my husband is extremely understanding and helps me get back on track.

Last week was rough. I felt detached from my body, as if I were floating above myself like a balloon. I was there, but not all there. I went through the motions of cooking and cleaning without a thought process, and made the silliest mistakes. I kept telling my family and friends that I wasn’t feeling like myself and that I was dissociating, and while they sympathized I don’t think they fully understood. I stirred soup with a ladle instead of a whisk, I zoned out during conversations, I went speechless when I should have used my words, I stood around watching everyone else go about their day with a blank stare on my face. I drifted around my house and had urges to clean the bathroom when I should have been making pizza dough. I would confuse myself trying to be productive, which is actually counter productive. I felt myself slipping into dissociation and nothing I did could stop it. I noticed the signs but was helpless to help myself.

How do I stop myself from dissociating? That is a very good question. First, I have to recognize that I am indeed dissociating. Sometimes I don’t and it will continue for hours. When I do recognize it, I take note of what I am thinking and feeling. I use grounding techniques, mindfulness, music, and meditation. I go barefoot to feel my feet touching the ground. I wash my hands to feel the water and soap bubbles. I hug my children and feel their warmth. Lots of feels. Feeling things helps put me back together, so to speak. Music helps keep me from floating away in my mind, I have music playing for at least a few hours during the day. Usually I end up dancing, which lightens my mood and keeps me grounded. Mindfulness helps me a lot too. I get so lost trying to multitask around the house, mindfully doing one thing at a time is both relaxing and grounding. I’ll talk to myself and describe what I see, hear, feel, touch, smell or taste. Sometimes none of the above works, and that’s okay too. This too shall pass. I won’t feel this way forever, it will go away soon enough. I don’t give up when my techniques fail, I endure and persevere. I will keep reminding myself of where I am, what I see and what I’m doing. I will never give up on myself.

My husband is a huge help, he’s always there for me. He will walk with me through the fog with gentle reminders and supportive words. He helped me make myself a routine so I don’t wander around aimlessly during the day. I have to keep busy or else my mind wanders outside my body. It’s difficult to stick to my routine but I am trying my best and that’s what matters. I have alarms on my phone to help me too, and I am mindfully not dismissing them. Alarms for waking up, taking my meds, waking up the kids, doing my morning routine, making supper, etc. Every one of them has a purpose, and that is to keep me on track. I even have alarms to go to bed. It’s important for me to have a regular sleep cycle, because I have chronic insomnia and my insomnia affects my bipolar disorder. Insomnia and hypomania go hand in hand, for me anyways. I have to manage my illnesses so I can be stable for myself and my family. They depend on me, and I can’t let them down. I have to keep going, and to do that I need to fight the dissociation blues. I can do anything if I put my mind to it, if I believe in myself. I can do this. If I can weather the storms in my mind, I can enjoy the rainbow that eventually follows. If I can I will, and if I can’t, I’ll keep on trying.

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