Awkward Truths

I’m inconsistent. Consistently inconsistent, to be precise. I don’t know how else to describe it. I know I need to work on that, I need to set a good example for my kids. I’m consistent where I need to be, thank the Gods. Housework, caring for the children and their daily routines, taking care of the fur babies, cooking, laundry, etc, are fine. No worries there. It’s certain areas that need work such as blogging, self care, and my personal daily routines. I keep putting those things on the back burner, and I can no longer do that. I NEED to take proper care of myself, for my sake and my family’s.

Writing has always been a passion of mine, as well as a mental outlet. I love writing. So, why is it so hard for me to keep a consistent blog? Every time I start writing a blog entry, it’s like writer’s block hits me. I blank and space out. Yet throughout my day, I will narrate my thoughts in my head without effort. It does not translate when I go to type it out, I know what I want to say but it just does not compute. When things run smoothly and I’m able to write my thoughts down, I become so self critical that if I don’t consider my writing perfect then I refuse to publish it which actually hinders me. I need to stop that, starting now.

Recently I lost my beloved Momma, it was sudden and unexpected. It shattered my imperfectly perfect little world, and turned it upside down. Grief does weird things to a person. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and ponder since losing Momma, and while I believe everything happens for a reason I can’t help but wonder what those reasons are. I may never know. I have felt a rainbow of emotions since Momma passed away, some of the emotions I expected to feel while others caught me off guard.

I was always afraid of becoming my mother. I can’t explain why. Recently I watched the movie “How To Train Your Dragon 2” for the umpteenth time, and it was during an emotional scene with the protagonist, Hiccup, where it hit me – why I was so afraid. Hiccup says, “I was so afraid of becoming my dad, mostly because I thought I never could. How do you become someone that great, that brave, that selfless? I guess, you can only, try.” That hit home for me, and while I have watched that scene hundreds of times, it didn’t resonate with me until that moment.

I WANT to be my mother. I wish I was half the woman she was. She was my hero. I always strived to make my parents proud, and even though Momma is no longer living I wish to make her proud by honouring her memory and doing things I know made her proud of me. I need to take pride in myself and my own accomplishments, however small they may be.

I want to be a writer. I want to be a published author. Momma always loved my written work, she said I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. So here I am, writing this blog entry. It may not seem like much, but hey, I tried and that’s what matters.

My momma and me on my wedding day, October 2013. “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my Mommy you’ll be.” – – Robert Munsch