I think I’m lost. The signs keep telling me that I am on the right path, how do I get to my destination? I have only a moral compass, no map or GPS. Do I stay where I am until help finds me, or do I bravely (and blindly) forge my own path? I know where I want to go but how do I get there?
These thoughts have been racing in my brain since last month. No, I’m not hypomanic. At least I don’t think I am, I believe I am level. Stable. I have not had a major episode since November, longest stretch so far. I don’t remember the last time I was stable for longer than a month. I ultra-rapid cycle, averaging an episode a month. Strangely though, I have not had an episode. I constantly feel like I am on the verge of one but it hasn’t presented itself. Have I finally found the right meds cocktail? Have I mastered DBT and practicing it daily has leveled me out? Does any of that matter? The fact is I am “normal” for the time being. I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts.
This past month has been remarkably unremarkable. December though, my goodness was that a cluster fuck of emotions and joyful memories. My Munchkins turned 5 and 8, my parents celebrated their 37th anniversary, we had a lovely Chanukah and very merry Christmas. Yule was celebrated a day late, as I was busy working. I now work two jobs and run two at home businesses. I am bartending at the Royal Canadian Legion in town, after a 2 year hiatus. We adopted a puppy, Captain Malcolm the Chug (Chihuahua Pug). I’ve had the baby itch for over a year, but we can’t risk another high risk pregnancy. I’d need a permanent metal cerclage, strict bedrest and a c-section. Yeah, not going to happen. We agreed on a puppy, one that will not grow bigger as it gets older. Mal has helped me in ways I may never understand. He’s like therapy for me, and a little brother for my Munchkins.
Life is good, and I feel it will only get better no matter what crosses my path. I have noticed that a great deal of my predicaments are self-inflicted, such as my IBS attacks. The holidays were lovely but I paid dearly for indulging in all of the yummy foods. I have IBS, and my main triggers are gluten, caffeine, spicy foods, and fried foods. I believe I am allergic to barley, and I am definitely intolerant to wheat and rye. Oats do not affect me. I over indulged on Christmas day, Boxing day, and New Years Eve.
As I laid in bed with my Hubby on New Years Eve, writhing in pain from gorging on vinaterta and pizza, I thought about how I wanted to change my bad habits. I keep hurting myself over and over and for what? A few minutes of deliciousness. It isn’t worth it anymore. I decided to write out my New Years resolutions for the first time in 12 years. Hubby helped me break down each goal into short term goals, and then took those goals and fit them into a routine that works for me.
Here are my New Year Resolutions:
1. Lose at least 50 lbs
2. Quit smoking (cigarettes) for good
3. Exercise regularly
4. Save money
5. Blog weekly, journal daily
6. Take proper care of myself
7. Dedicate myself to the Craft.
8. Learn how to knit or crochet
9. Control my hypomanic and depressive episodes
10. Read (at least) one book a month
So far, so good. I have had a few slips here and there. Doesn’t matter, I will get up and shake it off. I’ve lost 10lbs so far, I am now on Wellbutrin (Zyban) to help me quit smoking, I am reading daily and journaling almost daily. I fell asleep a few times before I could write. Which is a good thing, I guess.
I am on new meds. I’m still on Cymbalta, 60mg a day. I went off my Abilify because I developed high cholesterol and high blood sugar which is scary because I am hypoglycemic. I wanted a weight neutral drug, so I tried Zeldox (Geodon). I had severe side effects so went off it cold turkey. BAD IDEA. Let me stress this: NEVER QUIT PSYCH MEDS COLD TURKEY. EVER. 42 hours without sleep, fever and chills, tremors, nausea, everything but the kitchen sink. OK, that was a mess. I waited a bit before trying out Risperidone, which left me in a strange zombie like state. I said fuck it, and went off of that too. I tapered, don’t worry I learned my lesson! I am back on Abilify, 2mg a day. It’s doing the trick. I started Wellbutrin earlier this week, and have had no side effects. I hope to quit smoking this weekend, we’ll see how that goes. I still take vitamin B12, I have added a probiotic to help my IBS and melatonin to help me sleep. I’m looking into Omega 3’s with high DHA, I’ve researched it and found promising information on mood stability.
I have been researching a lot lately. Wicca, Autism and home therapies, DBT and CBT, BPD, diets that are low glycemic and low cholesterol, and meditation. I ordered myself a few books, I am so excited for them to come in the mail! A few books are on Autism: one is a Lego based home therapy, another is school success for kids with HFA, and the third is a large book filled with over 150 social stories. Social stories are short stories that teach lessons in morals and values, manners, etc. Perfect for my Sunshine. I also ordered a book about BPD, it is a therapy book with a combination of CBT and DBT. Lastly, a deck of Tarot cards. It has been over a decade since I have had Tarot cards. I miss doing readings.
I am confident that these books will help me immensely, as well as my family.
Sparkles in the Shadows 