Grabbing water drops from a waterfall of thoughts

I should be doing something. I don’t know what, there’s always something to do. I feel jittery, full of energy, but it takes so much effort to get off the damned couch. It’s both irritating and confusing to feel this way. Do I run around the house full bore, cleaning and multitasking while forgetting where I’m going? Do I stay where I am, lost in my own thoughts? I choose to stay put, and type instead. The laptop was sitting beside me anyways, might as well put it to use.

A pile of clean laundry glares at me from across the living room, waiting to be folded and put away. A “Guardians of the Galaxy” movie poster lays beside the laundry, half uncurled. My daughter’s pony castle sits atop the laundry mountain, I forgot to put it back on the floor after sweeping. The laundry needs to be switched and a new load added to the wash. Dishwasher needs to be emptied and reloaded. Counters need to be cleaned. Entrances need to be vacuumed, along with the play room and den. Dirty laundry to be gathered. I can go on, but it’s painful just to list off what I have yet to do. I love staying at home full time, I really do. I enjoy mopping floors, dancing while vacuuming and prepping meals, but most of all I love being with my children. They are the whole reason why I stay at home.

^^^^ That was as far as I got for an entry yesterday. I had an energy spike and tackled the laundry monster that was eating my sofa, and puttered around with intent. My lovely cat Felix now lays sleeping where the laundry once was. I didn’t get much done, I guess. Dishwasher’s still clean, laundry’s still in the washer and dryer, and two neatly folded piles are on the sofa. Gotta love scatterbrained mixed episodes. I have physical symptoms of severe depression and manic behaviour. On top of that I am sick, some kind of virus my Munchkins shared with me. … Sharing is caring. Lol! Munchkins are both sick too, they’ve been home from school all week.

My body feels like it’s having a muted pain episode, my joints ache and even trying to relax is uncomfortable. I am thankful for Cymbalta and Abilify, for they are keeping me functional. My brain feels swollen from all of the random thoughts, lists, ideas, regrets, worries, DBT skills, and whatever else is racing through my mind. Plucking thoughts from my mind is like trying to pick water drops from a gushing waterfall. So many at once, it’s dizzying.

I have to get up. There’s work to be done. What to do first? Munchkins are enjoying lollipops, so lunch will come later. I don’t want to move. I just want to sit and exist. Curl up in a ball under the covers and hibernate until the sickness subsides and my moods level out. I can’t. I need to be strong, even when I’m feeling so weak. Just do it. Make a pot of green tea, and just give’r. I guess while I’m sitting I can make a list of things to do and then I can plug away at them. I should make cookies and muffins, the kids were asking about baking with me today. We forgot family game night last night! Better bust out the Jenga soon.

Ugh, my brain! Stop it! Right, make a list and then get things done. Wish me luck. Ta Ta For Now!


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